Goals

I'm just thinking. Seems like it is time to set some goals. Funny thing is, I don't know what I want. I mean, there's the obvious "going to get healthy" goal. I feel obligated to write that down at the top of the list. But I want something more. Something exciting.

At school, when children are not making progress towards their academic and behavior goals, I rewrite them, breaking each into smaller steps. Maybe I am not excited about my health goals because I have guilt associations every time I think about them. I feel guilty because I am not making much progress. When I break students' goals into smaller pieces and they start experiencing success, the momentum builds and often they are able to finally move on productively. So now I'm thinking, "how do I break this thing down?"

I absolutely love my wii. I have had great success with the wii fit in the past. I was able to get a streak going where I checked in and did at least 1 minute of exercise each day. It had amazing benefits to my cholesterol and blood sugar levels. It was psychologically comforting too. I knew I could count on mysef to do at least one good thing every day. One day last summer I broke the streak and have not been able to get it back.

I have a yoga DVD called Heavyweight Yoga II. It is specifically designed for people who are overweight. Doing the workout is calming and comforting. It gives me relief from the pain in my back. Finishing the hour long session gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride. Often when I think to do the DVD, I also think of some work I should be doing and feel guilty for wanting to spend an hour on something I enjoy.

I live in a neighborhood with beautiful walking paths. All I have to do is walk out my back gate. When I walk regularly on the paths, I get a sense of connection to my community. I feel more like I belong for some reason. I don't feel so isolated from the neighbors. I see people who encourage me. Interestingly, the reason I don't walk anymore is because my dogs get upset when I take turns walking them. I can't manage all three together. My guess is that if I could handle their crying and barking for a week or so, they would figure out the routine and calm down. I just need the guts to do it.

As far as food goes, I have had success with feeling more clear headed with The 30 Day Vegan Challenge. I felt good about what I was eating and drastically cut down on fast food. I didn't have as much choice in my diet and was not as obsessed with what to eat next. I've also had success with the SparkPeople website. I felt more in control as I tracked my food and exercise. It was also interesting to me to see what kind of nutrients I lacked at the end of the day. I also tried Weight Watchers and enjoyed the meetings and social support. I didn't lose much weight, but was at least more conscious of my food choices.

So what went wrong with dieting in the past? I stopped the vegan diet after the 30 days, thinking I would have to spend less time preparing food if I could eat out more. I stopped "sparking" because I felt like I was spending too much time on the website tracking, reading articles, and trying to earn more sparkpoints. I quit Weight Watchers because I started feeling guilty every week when I went to the meetings and didn't show a weight loss.

So . . . looking back over everything I've said here, it looks to me like the one thing I need the most is permission. I need permission to spend the time. I need permission to stop worrying what others think (even my dogs!) I think I need to cut work off at 6:00 and give myself the rest of the evening to do what makes me feel healthy and strong.

I don't have to do everything at once. I need to give myself a break. Stop being so judgmental. Some little steps might be to quit work by 6:00 every night and not bring any home. Or resume my one minute nightly minimum for my wii. Maybe walk my dogs to the mailbox and back so they get used to walking one at a time. Maybe allow myself some time to play around on the SparkPeople website without requiring myself to track every single thing. I have got to lighten up on myself and relax some. My mile long to do list needs to be simplified.

My hope is that when I get healthier, I can get more work done and be able to set more personal goals. I think I will get started today by taking the cart full of work I brought home for the weekend out to the car to get it out of the way. Then I'll run to the grocery store around the corner to get some healthy food and snacks to take to work with me tomorrow. It is time to start taking care of myself!

Sweetie

When I visit friends in Fort Worth I always make sure to stop by the McDonalds at the Meadowbrook exit to get a diet coke. Diet cokes are great, but the words I hear there are even better. Though they have absolutely no idea who I am, they ask how I am doing, and more importantly, they call me "sweetie." I love that.

Lately I have been thinking about kind and encouraging words and how I can hear more of them. My wii fit made me think about the power of repeated praise and encouragement. I am fairly addicted to the wii fit, and I don't think it is entirely about the exercise. The instant feedback and praise fuels me. The wii fit gives the option of creating a routine that can be done more quickly by omitting the feedback. Instead, I do every exercise or yoga pose individually. In one routine I hear wonderful words like "great job," "you're a fantastic runner," "you have great posture," "keep it up," and "you have amazing balance." If I make a mistake the virtual trainers tell me to keep practicing. Sometimes they give me a tip on how to improve. I appreciate the honest feedback tempered with encouragement.

I had my summative conference for my teaching evaluation yesterday. I have to explain that the problem solving lesson I taught for my observation flopped. It just didn't work out. So I expected to go into that conference and hear about how I could have done the lesson differently. Instead, I was absolutely overwhelmed by what I heard. I heard nothing but praise as she told me how impressed she was with how I handled a lesson that didn't go as planned. She commented on how well I dealt with a student who was less than cooperative, and she told me it was great how I never raised my voice. It seems like she told me a hundred more wonderful things, though I realize we only talked a few minutes. The thing is, she spent all of our time together telling me what I was doing right! I needed that so much. I already know what went wrong. I have already addressed that in the follow up lessons. I have already fussed at myself for the mistakes.

I will try my best to remember how that summative conference felt as I deal with my students. They love the positive feedback too. An interesting thing happened last week with student feedback and praise. I have been using my new iPad with my students. There is an app where a word is read aloud and students have to touch the matching word in one of several frames on the screen. Every time they touch the correct word, there is a comment like, "awesome," "great job," or "excellent." The voice is kind of corny but they don't seem to mind. However, one day at lunch I was playing around with the app and realized I could record custom praise for correct answers. So I had a great time recording "whooo hooo," "get out," "that's what I'm talking about," and other silly encouraging phrases. I didn't tell the students it was my voice. I simply added my phrases to the library of sounds. The students really responded to my voice and seemed to work quickly to get more correct answers. They actually wanted to hear that voice saying nice things to them again.

I have been shopping the app store to find one that will say nice things to me. I haven't found it yet, but I bet it is out there. In the meantime I have decided that I need to spend more time with the real people in my life who build me up. I am fortunate enough to have quite a few, and I am going to make a commitment to spend as much time around them as possible, and also to seek out even more positive relationships.

I will try to remember what I have learned from that woman at McDonalds, my wii, my supervisor, and the iPad, and apply it to all the "sweeties" I come across today.

I'm a Runner

I wanted to run. Little time has passed since I made my wish, but last night I was told that I am a good runner.

I have been running every day for the past two weeks. It is incredible that someone of my weight is able to say that. I am sore, but my knees haven't shattered under my weight like I imagined they would.

I have run in parks, fields and on jogging paths. My longest time has been 20 minutes, and my longest distance has been 2.5 miles.

I started out running with a trainer. Then one day I decided to run alone and found that I like that better. I like setting my own pace and charting my own course. During the day when I feel stressed, I imagine what my run will be like that evening and that gives me some relief. When I run I am not anxious or embarrassed about my size or ability. I am totally free.

I am a wii fit runner!

Running or Donuts?

They hadn't seen me at the donut store in quite a while, but this Sunday morning at dark thirty I showed up and ordered the old usual, three chocolate iced and one chocolate filled. I was so embarrassed, but I wanted the chocolate and sugar. As I listened to the employees talk in Spanish to themselves about where I'd been, I thought they probably figured I was dead of a heart attack from all the donuts I'd eaten in the past.

Now, strangely enough, I have been rereading this wonderful book written by someone who did die an early death from a heart attack. Jim Fixx wrote one of the most inspirational books ever written about running. He wrote it in 1977, and I read it as a teenager. It was my dad's book. I don't know why he bought it actually because he was also more highly likely to eat donuts than run. Anyway, I've been reading it, hoping to gain enough comfort and inspiration from it to carry me through what would be a major undertaking. I want to run.

I don't want to run races or try to impress anyone with my discipline. Silly as it is, all I really want to be able to do is run across a soccer field at a nearby school. I want to feel myself move fast. I want to breathe deeply and experience the rhythm of my stride as I run for just a few minutes and then let myself fall down into the grass to rest.

I think for most people this would be an easy enough goal, but for me I'm wondering if it wouldn't be a miracle. I weigh twice as much as I should, literally. I don't exercise. And then there's this matter of comforting my anxieties with things such as donuts. It all comes down to delayed gratification. Will I ever get to a point where I can trade a few minutes of anxiety relief to gain a few more steps towards the goal of being able to feel the joy of moving fast and being in control?

I have been surprising myself these last few years with achieving some fairly impressive personal goals. I think choosing to take care of myself so I can run outranks all of them as far as difficulty is concerned. It would be tempting to try and motivate myself to choose to start taking care of myself in order to hopefully extend my lifespan. But as Jim Fixx's experience shows, there are no guarantees. I think if I want to do this, I have to do it now. There is no "getting ready." In fact, maybe I have been looking at it backwards. Maybe I have to run in order to take care of myself. I have to do it because of what I want to experience today. I will be no more likely to start achieving my goal after I finish rereading my book or going another 3 months without donuts. The field is 5 minutes away. I'm about to take a few literal steps towards my goal.

My Coach and the Softball Revival

This is Cordova Baptist Church in Cordova, TN. It looks pretty much like it did years ago when I was in 8th grade. I first went there because it was a requirement. At the time I didn't understand why, but they told me I had to go to the "revival" there before I could be on the church softball team. It was funny. I knew nothing about church and nothing about softball! What was I thinking? This mandatory revival was life changing and it became the glue that held my moody adolescent life together. The idea that God and the people at that church cared about me for no apparent reason was amazing.

Throughout my high school years I played on softball and basketball teams coached by the same person who coached that first softball team I joined. I attended Bible studies, Sunday school, Wednesday dinners, and something called Acteens (which I never figured out what meant.) Many many times it was my coach who picked me up in his old black truck, along with several other girls, and hauled us out to the church. I think I could hear that truck coming as soon as it turned into the neighborhood it was so loud. I fondly remember throwing bats, balls, water jugs and a Bible into the truck and then climbing in myself for the breezy ride out to the country church. Hours later he would drive my sweaty and bruised, jammed finger self back home. I was an athletic wreck!

I laugh now when I remember that as athletically challenged as I was, many years I served as team captain. It didn't occur to me that I might not be qualified for such a duty. Must not have occured to anyone else either! I think it may have been more due to the fact that I wasn't afraid to pray out loud in front of other people.

We lost almost every game, but it didn't occur to me to give up. I can truly say that our satisfaction came from just getting to play. I don't remember ever feeling any less of a person for losing a game. I think it's because I felt so important to the coach, my team, and God.

I don't know what drove my coach's dedication to a bunch of girls who couldn't seem to win a game, but I sure am thankful. We need more people like him in this world. I think of all the students I come in contact with who have such low self esteem and lack of purpose, and I wish they could have an experience like I did. I could have easily grown up feeling like a failure, but thanks mostly to him, it was just the opposite. I felt comfortable in many different types of leadership as I went through school. What a gift!

I have recently made contact with my old coach after so many years have passed. His wife tells me he is still coaching and is still tough and stubborn. I believe it. But it also makes me happy to think that other kids are getting the benefits of his coaching. Maybe as I get to know him as an adult I will be able to understand his caring dedication to us as kids.

So Coach, if you are reading this, I hope you can see how much you mean to me. I'd like to see you in person again some day as long as you don't have a bat and a practice ball in your hand . . . I still bruise easily!

144 Umbrellas

I love umbrellas! I like all kinds. Last summer during my annual 4th of July party it occurred to me to use a large umbrella for sunscreen as I floated around the pool all day. Simply looking so ridiculous made me happy. I got a huge colorful beach umbrella for my birthday this year, and my mind has been hard at work trying to figure out how to plant it in the middle of the pool for this year's party.

I have even been known to use an umbrella in my school lesson plans. The umbrella represented the main idea of the piece of writing and the details hung from little ribbons "under" the umbrella. The rain represented any idea that didn't belong in the writing, and it simply rolled right off the umbrella and onto the ground.

I bet if you think about it, you can remember being a little kid out in the rain with an umbrella. For me it was the coolest thing. The umbrella represented such freedom! I could go outside even if the weather was bad. It made rainy days special. Kind of made me kid-powerful when I graduated to holding my own umbrella.

Yesterday I had an umbrella experience that made me just about as giddy. I bought 144 drink umbrellas for this year's party! Now honestly I do not plan to serve 144 alcoholic drinks. That is not the point. But drink umbrellas make whatever the drink is extra special. They represent fun and relaxation. They are so totally unnecessary and that's what I love about them. The package of 144 of them cost just over three dollars, and somehow I got a charge out of getting the potential for that many luxuries at such a low price. Silly as it sounds, it made me feel rich.

As I write this I wish you many "umbrella blessings" for this summer. Have fun and let me know if you come across a new one!

Cleaning and Morality

Take a look at my office closet. But don't tell my mom you saw it! I'm off for the summer and can no longer find any excuse to put off getting my house in order. In January my water pipes froze and burst in five places, so there was construction until April. My excuse for the last two months is that it was an overwhelming task to tackle at the end of a school year. That excuse has expired.

So this morning I worked on putting my office back together. There were baskets and boxes of things that came out of kitchen cabinets, various stacks of paper, a shoebox full of mints and gum, and a multitude of "home accents." I started by taking down the do-dads. I made my bookshelves look neat. I cleaned up my desk and put any type of paper I came across into a big clear storage box. The do-dads, minus a select few, went in a smaller storage box. I did some creative furniture arranging and it doesn't look too bad in there now. I put the plastic storage boxes in the closet and shut the door. I'll engage with them another day.

After I finished I sat down to have a coke zero, quite pleased with myself for such a big accomplishment. The housekeepers are coming this afternoon and now they will be able to clean in there. But as I was enjoying my success, I kept thinking about that closed closet door. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I got. I'm having company in a couple of weeks, and even though I don't anticipate that they will have any desire to look in the office closet, it prevents me from having that "ready for company" feeling.

This is where the morality question comes into play. I think I and the other members of my family have experienced more guilt in our lives over having a messy house than all other things combined. Not that our house ever really got messy (except for mine when I became an adult, but that's another story.) But I'm telling you, there was serious fear about what our company would think if the house wasn't as clean as it could be. And I guess in a way the fear was understandable because most of our company was family, and they had the same rules about cleanliness.

The company that's coming in a couple of weeks is a little different. They are a chosen set of "sistas." From what I can tell, some of them grew up with the same kind of rules about keeping house, but I'm not sure the guilt is as overwhelming for them. I think they'd still invite me over, even if they didn't have time to straighten up first. And I'm not exactly sure they mind what my house is like.

Best I can tell, the guilt is about appearing lazy, so I guess it does have a connection to most people's sense of morality. But I wonder what it really says about me that my closet looks the way it does. I wonder if I would be a better person if I went ahead and dropped the do-dads off at the goodwill, and got right on that filing project today. But on the other hand, I wonder how much sense it makes to worry so much about what other people think, that I would feel like I had to clean everything up before the housekeepers came so they wouldn't think I am awful for letting it get this bad.

I don't really know the answers to my questions, but there is one cool thing that has come out of this post. My confession about my closet has eliminated some of the guilt. Anybody can look at the picture. There's nothing to hide. Regardless of a person's views about the morality of cleanliness, my closet is my closet. Like it or not. Choose to judge it or not.

I am not my closet.