Running or Donuts?

They hadn't seen me at the donut store in quite a while, but this Sunday morning at dark thirty I showed up and ordered the old usual, three chocolate iced and one chocolate filled. I was so embarrassed, but I wanted the chocolate and sugar. As I listened to the employees talk in Spanish to themselves about where I'd been, I thought they probably figured I was dead of a heart attack from all the donuts I'd eaten in the past.

Now, strangely enough, I have been rereading this wonderful book written by someone who did die an early death from a heart attack. Jim Fixx wrote one of the most inspirational books ever written about running. He wrote it in 1977, and I read it as a teenager. It was my dad's book. I don't know why he bought it actually because he was also more highly likely to eat donuts than run. Anyway, I've been reading it, hoping to gain enough comfort and inspiration from it to carry me through what would be a major undertaking. I want to run.

I don't want to run races or try to impress anyone with my discipline. Silly as it is, all I really want to be able to do is run across a soccer field at a nearby school. I want to feel myself move fast. I want to breathe deeply and experience the rhythm of my stride as I run for just a few minutes and then let myself fall down into the grass to rest.

I think for most people this would be an easy enough goal, but for me I'm wondering if it wouldn't be a miracle. I weigh twice as much as I should, literally. I don't exercise. And then there's this matter of comforting my anxieties with things such as donuts. It all comes down to delayed gratification. Will I ever get to a point where I can trade a few minutes of anxiety relief to gain a few more steps towards the goal of being able to feel the joy of moving fast and being in control?

I have been surprising myself these last few years with achieving some fairly impressive personal goals. I think choosing to take care of myself so I can run outranks all of them as far as difficulty is concerned. It would be tempting to try and motivate myself to choose to start taking care of myself in order to hopefully extend my lifespan. But as Jim Fixx's experience shows, there are no guarantees. I think if I want to do this, I have to do it now. There is no "getting ready." In fact, maybe I have been looking at it backwards. Maybe I have to run in order to take care of myself. I have to do it because of what I want to experience today. I will be no more likely to start achieving my goal after I finish rereading my book or going another 3 months without donuts. The field is 5 minutes away. I'm about to take a few literal steps towards my goal.