Inspired Teaching

Sometimes I just have to stop myself when I get caught up in a moment of inspiration about something work related, that is in my case, school related. I love to daydream about school, brainstorming solutions to problems ranging from lost jackets littering the stage like the floor in a Ross store, to getting all of my special education students to pass the state TAKS test. I go through phases of thinking that these things are actually possible.

Lately though, I've been trying to step back and gain some perspective about what it is that I actually want to accomplish as a teacher. Yesterday I came up with a plan to revive two struggling third grade classrooms full of students that we teachers keep saying "just don't care." As I daydreamed I had visions of 100% passing rates, teacher of the year awards, an "Exemplary" rating for my school, and plenty of incentive pay to fund next year's vacation. In my dreaming I also saw hours of noble sacrifice meeting with students, filling in some massive gaps in their learning, and doing large amounts of research into what would motivate the students to "get with it and do their best." I was sure I could do it if I could get the other two teachers to buy in and make some sacrifices of their own to do whatever it takes to meet these kids where they are and find a way to get them where we need them to be. Sounds great? Or does it?

One thing that I love about myself is my ability to dream. When I was still in elementary school myself, I remember thinking that if I died right then I would still be happy because I would have so much to think about in heaven. Even as a child, I felt I'd learned and experienced enough to create an infinite number of daydreams.

Fortunately, as wonderful as this teaching daydream seemed, I came to a point where I woke up and realized that it was not what I wanted at all. Not at all. I had somehow forgotten who I am. Like any teacher, I want ALL of my students to be truly successful, but I had forgotten my definition of success. If I could do anything, I would set a goal to inspire ALL of my students to love learning. I honestly don't care what it is that they want to learn. It doesn't matter. If they love learning they will be receptive to my teaching because there will be a point to it. They will learn to read because they have something they want to learn about. They will learn to write because they have something to say. If they learn to read and write for these reasons I will truly feel like I have reached far past mastery of the TAKS test. It would be nice if the students fill in the correct bubbles on the way, but it wouldn't be the measure of their success, or mine. Believe me, people wouldn't have to look at anything but the child to see results. No bubble sheet in the state can give testimony of learning like an enthusiastic and inquisitive child can.

I'm on vacation right now and still have two days left. I'm looking forward to having time to daydream a bit differently. I'm glad I had the victorious state testing dream. It jarred me into a clearer understanding of my role as a teacher. I will go back after vacation and work hard to inspire curiosity, enthusiasm and purpose in my students. There probably won't be any awards or merit pay for achieving those things, but it's what I want. It's what matters to me. It's my contribution to my students' true success in life.

I'm diabetic today.

I have been trying to write this post for 3 weeks. It just wouldn't happen. The first time I tried I got so depressed doing an image search for diabetes that I had myself a little mini-crisis that took up the rest of the weekend. The next weekend I was so busy enjoying life that I didn't want to begin to think about diabetes. And last weekend I got so busy trying to create a skinny avatar and trying to find a diet to go on, I never got around to writing.

So tonight I'm finally writing about it. And honestly, it's still difficult. Some days I feel like I participate in being diabetic and some days I don't. A couple of people who know me well sometimes ask me if I "am diabetic today." Strangely enough, some days I feel like it's not true.

Maybe it's because I got confused with how "being diabetic" unfolded. At first I was so incredibly sick, taking two kinds of insulin and being afraid to eat anything with carbohydrates. Then when I was experiencing what felt like too many lows, I would eat something sweet to raise my sugar level quickly. The food made me feel better. The bad thing is, when my A1C went down to 5.1 and I got off of insulin, I continued eating carbohydrates every time I needed "to feel better." For the longest time I had myself convinced that low blood sugar for me was anything below 100. I did everything I could to make sure it didn't go below that number.

Now that I understand that a reading below 100 does not constitute low blood sugar, even for me, I have a lot more freedom. I don't feel like I constantly have to monitor and have food with me for emergencies. Unfortunately though, I don't understand exactly where I am in the world of diabetes. Since it's "not so bad" anymore, sometimes I feel like I don't have it. It was a mistake . . . an 867 blood sugar number mistake. It seems like a serious illness that passed.

I have figured out that while I am taking metformin I can eat sweets and still get away with a 6.1 A1C. Even that number is confusing though. As I understand it, that number is high for a normal person. But for diabetics, I have seen many references to setting goals to be somewhere under 7.0. My doctor is satisfied with the 6.1. It seems like I must be doing ok.

I have an extensive library of books related to diabetes. In everything I have read, I can't find myself. I don't know if it is because my symptoms and circumstances aren't there, or if they are there and I don't see them because I don't want to see them.

Everyone should take care of their health. Right? So my feeling that I need to understand the diabetes must be my own form of creative procrastination. Some people have a close call with a health crisis and change their behavior. I did too until I stopped remembering I am diabetic, whether I am on insulin or not.

Last weekend when I was searching for a way to create a healthy avatar for me, I read an article that said overweight people with skinny avatars would lose more weight than those with avatars truer to their actual body size. Maybe there is something to paying attention to how I see myself.

Wouldn't it be cool if I could visualize a healthy version of me? A healthy version that is not solely motivated by fear of diabetes? I do think I need to put some serious effort into understanding more about the diabetes and how it affects me, but more than that, I think I want to start asking myself, "Am I trying to be healthy today?" instead of, "am I acting diabetic today?"