I can't.

When I first started teaching I had this cool way of responding to a frustrating day. I waited until it got dark, put a leash on my dog Max, and headed outside. We would cut through some bushes and across a small ditch, to find ourselves in a big empty field on the schoolgrounds next door to my apartments. We started at one end of the field and ran as hard as we could to the other end. Then again. And maybe again. And then fell, out of breath, in the big middle of the damp grass, and stared at the stars. We went home caring much less about anything stressful.

It would be nice if I could still do that. These days, if I run my knees feel like they will shatter under all the weight of my body. And if my knees held, my lungs would probably collapse. I'm way overweight and spend no time exercising. I can't run.

I noticed myself saying it out loud the other day, "I can't run." Then I thought about that for a minute. And for that brief moment I thought, "Yes I can; maybe not this second, but I could if I wanted to." Hard as it would be, I could do the things that would enable me to run that field again.

Encouraged by that little spark of possibility, I started thinking about other things I "can't" do. I can't dance. I can't go to this church or that. I can't learn another language. Couldn't dare travel to another country. Date? Are you kidding? I mentally ran my finger down this list of things I cannot do, and down past a lot more things I can't do. When I got to the bottom I thought, "Why not?"

Now many of the things on that list are things I don't desire to do. Those don't count. I'm not up for doing things just to prove I can. But when I was able to ask myself, "Why not?" this big free space opened up in my life and I realized I am much less limited than I thought. I could challenge some of my beliefs about myself. I can allow myself the freedom to dream. And then the ultimate freedom to try.

I'm not into pretending, so I'm not going to say I've actually tried anything on my "I can't" list. But I bet in time I will. Right now I will settle for having fun adding to my list. It is fun because I am able to see possibilities I never allowed myself to see before. The world looks much bigger to me. I can't wait to decide what to try!